Why your 40s could be the best decade for sex, according to experts
From responsive desire to body confidence, experts reveal why sex can get better in your 40s and how to reignite your libido.
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- Kat Storr
Published: October 17, 2026 at 9:30 AM
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Our 40s are often the decade when it feels like life throws everything at us. From parenting and demanding careers to caring for ageing or ill parents, many of us feel like we’re operating in constant survival mode, and inevitably, sex can fall down the priority list.
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Midlife can also bring perimenopause, with symptoms including fatigue, low libido and low self-esteem, all of which can affect how much we feel like having sex.
“As we shift more towards ‘responsive desire’ than ‘spontaneous desire’, it also takes time and a degree of effort to create the mood to feel like sex. We may feel we don’t have the energy… especially if sex feels like a chore that depletes us, rather than the opposite,” says Ruth Ramsay, adult sex educator and coach.
But there are reasons to feel positive about sex in your 40s. Experts say this can be a time when women become more confident about their bodies, more aware of what they want and more willing to prioritise their own pleasure.
Why sex can get better in your 40s
Therapist and sex and relationship expert Rhian Kivits says women can become very good at putting themselves at the bottom of the list.
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“Unfortunately, women are very good at putting themselves at the bottom of the list. When there are many things we manage in our lives, it's easy to sacrifice our own pleasure in order to keep up to speed with everything else. We are also good at deferring ourselves until later. The problem for many women is that 'later' doesn't come.”
But midlife can also bring more freedom and confidence.
“An empty nest can bring time and energy to devote ourselves again, and many women regain a degree of healthy selfishness that we had to put aside while we were bringing up families and that can be a great benefit in bed,” explains Ramsay.
Our brains and bodies are rewiring in our 40s and it’s the perfect time to explore new interests
Ruth Ramsay, adult sex educator and coach
For women embarking on a new relationship or dating again, their 40s can also be a time for a sexual awakening.
“Our focus comes back to pleasing ourselves rather than seeking to please everyone around us. And that’s a great thing for sex. We can ask for what we want and prioritise our needs. There can be an open-mindedness and curiosity about sex that we haven’t had since we were much younger and it’s time to lean into that and explore it,” says Ramsay.
How to improve your sex life in your 40s
Check in with your body
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Kivits says reconnecting with your body can be an important first step towards feeling more confident and comfortable with sex.
“I think the secret is to centre yourself and to remind yourself that your body is capable of feeling immense pleasure. You just need to take the time and build the confidence up to unleash it.”
If hormonal changes are affecting your mood, energy levels or sex drive, speak to your GP. HRT can help with some perimenopausal symptoms and may ease vaginal dryness, which can make sex uncomfortable.
Regular exercise, a balanced diet and good quality sleep can also support your physical and mental wellbeing.
Build up your sexual currency
Sex and relationship coach Carla Crivaro recommends building desire and connection between sexual encounters, rather than putting all the focus on what happens in the bedroom.
This could include “saucy texting, more kissing that doesn’t lead to sex, more touching, words of affirmations such as sharing what you love and appreciate about each other or maybe cuddles that are not going to lead to sex”.
These small moments can help couples feel closer without creating pressure for sex to follow.
Talk to each other
Crivaro believes “conversation and communication are the cornerstone of a good sex life”.
“Understanding what turns us on and sharing that and also holding space for someone else’s desires builds safety, intimacy and trust - key ingredients to a spicy sex life - no matter what your age.”
It’s also important to address resentment before it starts affecting intimacy.
“When we hold onto problems and don’t share them in an open and vulnerable way then resentment can build which kills our libido.”
Rather than letting frustrations build, Crivaro recommends regular relationship check-ins where couples can talk openly about how they feel and how they would like to be supported.
Get curious about what you enjoy
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Ramsay suggests spending time thinking about what you actually like sexually, particularly if you feel as though you have lost your libido.
“Often women will say to me they’ve totally gone off sex and have no libido, but when I ask them, if they could have absolutely anything they wanted, what it would be, and then if they could wave a magic wand, would they have that thing? they say ‘Yes!’”
Once you have identified what you want, talk to your partner about it.
“Our 40s is a really crucial time to talk about sex, with our body and our partner’s body changing. If you’re single, it’s time to explore the dating scene with a new awareness of what you want in bed, rather than being focused on what a partner wants.”
Work on feeling good in your body
Body confidence can be a challenge in your 40s, particularly following pregnancy and childbirth or during perimenopause.
Ramsay says it is important to focus on feeling as good in your body as possible, while also making time for your own wellbeing.
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“If you have children and they are still young then this may not seem possible. But if kids are older and you are able to reclaim some time to yourself, prioritise these things. Clue yourself up on the physical changes in your body, there are so many great books now about perimenopause and menopause.”
Explore what turns you on
If you want to introduce something new into your sex life, Ramsay suggests being curious and open-minded.
“Read some sexy books, watch some female-directed ethical porn, check out audio erotica.”
“See what draws your interest and be open-minded to it being different to your past. Our brains and bodies are rewiring in our 40s and it’s the perfect time to explore new interests.”
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She also recommends using body-safe, pH-balanced lube and says your 40s can be a good time to explore sex toys, particularly as your body may need more intense stimulation than previously.
Authors
Kat Storr
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