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Real parents confess: Experts share what to do if you make these common parenting mistakes

Real parents confess: Experts share what to do if you make these common parenting mistakes

Experts reveal how your parenting style can affect your child's future mental health, and share how to find the balance between care and allowing kids to develop individuality.

Getty/Olga Rolenko

Ruairidh Pritchard

Published: October 15, 2026 at 2:22 PM

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This feature was first published on our Apple News channel. Follow us on Apple News to see content like this first.

Modern parenting can feel like a never-ending audition. Gentle enough, but not permissive. Firm, but not authoritarian. Involved, but not hovering.

At any given moment, someone on Instagram, in the school WhatsApp group or in the comments section is ready to tell you that the way you are raising your child is either ruining them, or setting them up for a lifetime of therapy.

It is no surprise, then, that more than 90% of parents say they feel judged for their parenting, with almost half feeling scrutinised most or all of the time.

Parenting has always been emotionally charged, but today it is also hyper-analysed, branded and categorised, leaving many mums quietly wondering whether their best is good enough.

Behind the noise, however, there is a quieter and more useful conversation happening in psychology labs and living rooms alike. Research increasingly shows that parenting styles do influence children’s mental health, emotional resilience and even brain development. But it also shows something more hopeful, that parenting is not fixed, mistakes are repairable, and balance matters far more than labels.

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Why parenting style matters more than we think

Parenting does not just shape how children behave, it shapes how they feel. The way adults respond to distress, frustration and joy becomes the blueprint for how children learn to regulate their emotions and make sense of the world.

“Children learn how to manage their emotions by watching the adults around them. That’s why the way we parent, day in and day out, has a profound impact on their mental and emotional development,” says child and educational psychologist and founder of Psychologyflows, Dr Kayleigh Sumner.

She explains that early experiences and attachments act as the foundation for future wellbeing. Consistent warmth, clear boundaries and emotional attunement help children feel safe. Chronic unpredictability, harshness or emotional distance can activate stress responses that affect mental health long term.

Children learn how to manage their emotions by watching the adults around them. Parenting plays a profound role in shaping mental and emotional development.

Dr Kayleigh Sumner, child and educational psychologist

Large-scale studies have found that children raised with supportive, consistent parenting are less likely to develop anxiety, depression and behavioural difficulties, while harsh or chaotic parenting increases those risks. Crucially, these effects are seen even when parents are acting from love and good intentions.

When being “too involved” tips into anxiety

For many parents, especially those raising children in an uncertain world, hyper-vigilance can feel like care. Matt, a dad of two, recognised this in himself early on.

Letting children try, struggle and recover, with support close by, is how confidence and resilience grow. Getty

“I realised my over-protectiveness could hurt my child,” he said, after noticing how often he hovered, anticipating every possible risk, from sharp corners to uncut grapes.

Research backs up his instinct. Overbearing or helicopter parenting has been linked to higher levels of anxiety, lower self-confidence and weaker coping skills in children. When adults rush in to remove every obstacle, children lose opportunities to practise problem-solving and emotional regulation.

Matt began stepping back in small, deliberate ways, letting his five-year-old try new tasks independently while staying nearby. Over time, he noticed a shift.

Hovering kept them physically safe, but I started to see how it could stunt their confidence.

Matt, dad of two

The tumbles still happened, but so did the learning. His children became more confident, more resilient and less fearful of making mistakes.

When gentle parenting slides into permissive parenting

Gentle parenting has gained traction among millennial parents keen to raise emotionally literate children and break cycles of fear-based discipline. But warmth without structure can leave children feeling unmoored.

Jaclyn, a mum of two who practised gentle parenting for a decade, later reflected that she had drifted into permissive territory. With few firm boundaries, one child became a people-pleaser, suppressing emotions to avoid conflict. The other struggled with anxiety and emotional dysregulation.

“My kids were longing for structure, a leader,” she said.

After shifting to a more authoritative approach, combining empathy with clear limits, she saw striking changes.

High warmth is beautiful. But without structure? It creates anxiety. And nobody told you that.

Jaclyn, mum of two

Her children became calmer, more confident and better able to manage big feelings. The lesson was not to abandon gentleness, but to anchor it in predictability.

In therapy rooms, these distinctions are not theoretical. They show up in how children talk about safety, autonomy and whether mistakes feel survivable.

Janee Young, children's mental health expert and Clinical Director of Wellness Detox of LA, says the four main parenting styles tend to appear as emotional patterns rather than labels.

“Authoritarian homes usually involve control and fear of mistakes,” she explains.

Kids become compliant on the outside and tense on the inside, always scanning for disapproval.

Janee Young, children's mental health expert

Over time, Young says, that tension often resurfaces as anxiety, people-pleasing, perfectionism or sudden, disproportionate bursts of anger.

Permissive parenting, by contrast, creates a different kind of stress. “When limits are unclear, children feel free for a while, but unsettled because they’re not sure who is steering this ship,” she says. “That uncertainty can lead to impulsive behaviour, frequent power struggles and difficulty tolerating frustration.”

The emotional cost of very strict parenting

At the opposite end of the spectrum lies authoritarian or tiger parenting, where obedience and achievement are prioritised above emotional expression.

Emma, a mum of two, believed strict discipline was necessary to raise respectful children, until she noticed her eldest becoming withdrawn and anxious.

“I saw my daughter becoming terrified of messing up,” she said, after a paediatrician observed that the child was “walking on eggshells” at home.

Research shows that harsh, punitive parenting is associated with higher risks of anxiety, low self-esteem and depression, and can affect brain areas involved in emotional regulation and fear. When Emma softened her approach, reduced criticism and involved her daughter in small decisions, the change was profound.

She’s still respectful and well behaved, but now she’s relaxed and open. Our home is happier.

Emma, mum of two

The parenting styles you keep hearing about

Authoritative

High warmth, high structure. Clear boundaries combined with empathy and responsiveness. Consistently linked to positive mental health outcomes.

Authoritarian

Low warmth, high control. Strict rules, little emotional dialogue. Associated with anxiety and low self-esteem.

Permissive

High warmth, low structure. Loving but few boundaries. Can lead to emotional insecurity and poor self-regulation.

Uninvolved

Low warmth, low structure. Minimal emotional or practical engagement. Linked to the poorest mental health outcomes.

Helicopter, tiger, gentle and free-range

These sit along the spectrum above, often blending elements of the main styles rather than existing as fixed categories.

So is there a “best” way to parent?

Psychologists consistently point to authoritative parenting as the most protective style for mental health. It underpins approaches such as gentle parenting done well, lighthouse parenting and attachment-informed parenting.

Dr Barek Sharif, a licensed marriage and family therapist and Chief Clinical Officer at 449 Recovery, says the difference between parenting styles often comes down to how a child’s stress system is shaped.

“Repeated emotional experience shapes how a child’s brain responds to stress,” he explains.

In strict, high-pressure environments, kids spend a lot of time in threat mode. Their brain prioritises protection over learning.

Dr Barek Sharif, family therapist

Children who appear outwardly fine, he says, are often internally tense, reactive and highly sensitive to criticism. In permissive environments, stress comes from unpredictability. “If the child can’t count on consistent limits, their system stays on alert because they have to guess constantly what will happen next.”

“When it comes to raising emotionally healthy and resilient children, many modern approaches focus on nurturing a secure attachment,” says Dr Sumner.

Secure attachment in early childhood is associated with better emotional regulation and resilience later in life.

Dr Kayleigh Sumner, child and educational psychologist

Sharif is particularly clear on how gentle parenting is often misunderstood. “If it means there are no boundaries, it’s not gentle anymore,” he says. “It becomes confusing.”

A healthier version of gentle parenting, he explains, looks more like calm leadership, consistent follow-through and empathy delivered without negotiation fatigue.

If gentle parenting means there are no boundaries, it’s not gentle anymore. It becomes confusing.

Dr Barek Sharif, family therapist

Children raised with warmth and boundaries show stronger emotional regulation, better social skills and greater resilience during stressful periods. Importantly, this does not require perfection.

News images (7)

Repair matters more than perfection. Children benefit when parents pause, apologise and try again. Getty

What this means if you are worried you have got it wrong

For many parents, reading about brain development and mental health can trigger guilt. But parenting is not a fixed identity, and children are remarkably adaptable.

“It’s never too late to change your approach,” says Dr Sumner. “The brain remains flexible well into adolescence.”

Small, consistent changes matter more than dramatic overhauls. Listening more, repairing after conflict, setting clearer boundaries and taking care of your own wellbeing all feed into a child’s sense of safety.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be present.

Dr Kayleigh Sumner, child and educational psychologist

For parents looking to shift patterns without overhauling everything, Young suggests starting with repair rather than perfection.

“Replace your automatic reaction with a short pause,” she says. “Breathe for ten seconds before responding. And if you get it wrong, repair it.”

A repair can be as simple as saying, ‘I raised my voice. I’m sorry. Let’s try that again.’

Janee Young, children's mental health expert

Most parents are not one thing or another. We slide along the spectrum depending on stress, support and circumstance. Labels can help us reflect, but they can also distract from what matters most.

Children do not need flawless parents with the correct vocabulary. They need adults who are willing to notice when something is not working, to apologise, to adapt and to keep showing up. In a culture obsessed with doing parenting “right”, that might be the most radical approach of all.

About our experts

Dr Kayleigh Sumner is a Child and Educational Psychologist and the Founder of Psychologyflows. With over a decade of experience working in education with children, families across the UK and UAE. Janee Young is the Clinical Director of Wellness Detox of LA, specialising in child, adolescent and family mental health, with over a decade of clinical experience. Dr Barek Sharif is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Chief Clinical Officer at 449 Recovery, where his work focuses on attachment, emotional regulation and relational healing.

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Ruairidh PritchardDigital Growth Lead

Ruairidh is the Digital Lead on MadeForMums. He works with a team of fantastically talented content creators and subject-matter experts on MadeForMums.