The hidden signs your child is being bullied – and the changes parents wish they'd noticed sooner

From sudden anger and school refusal to unexpected changes in their appearance, parents reveal the warning signs they almost missed – and what you can do if you're worried about your child.

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Published: October 13, 2026 at 12:20 PM

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What if your child was being bullied and you didn't know? Perhaps they've suddenly become angry or withdrawn. Maybe they're making excuses to avoid school, spending less time with friends or becoming unusually self-conscious about their appearance.

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As parents, we'd like to think our children would tell us if something was wrong. But the reality can be more complicated. Children may feel embarrassed, worry about making the situation worse or simply not recognise that what's happening to them is bullying.

Figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) reveal just how many children experience bullying without speaking up. In the year ending March 2023, an estimated 35% of children aged 10 to 15 in England and Wales experienced an in-person bullying behaviour, while 19% experienced an online bullying behaviour.

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Among those affected, 14.7% of children who experienced in-person bullying and 18.1% of those who experienced online bullying didn't tell anyone.

And bullying doesn't always look like the playground confrontations we might imagine. It can involve exclusion from friendship groups, seemingly harmless jokes, comments about someone's appearance or upsetting messages that follow children home through their phones.

For Bullying Prevention Month this October, we asked parents in the MadeForMums Club to share their experiences of discovering their children were being bullied.

Their stories reveal some of the less obvious warning signs, from children becoming intensely self-critical to changing their appearance to hide the very thing they were being targeted for.

We also spoke to Alexander Kopelman, founder and president of the Children's Arts Guild and author of For Real: Helping Children Remain Their Authentic Selves in a Limiting World, about some of the warning signs parents can easily overlook, why children don't always recognise bullying themselves and how parents can respond.

8 hidden signs your child might be experiencing bullying

There's no definitive checklist that can tell you whether your child is being bullied. According to the NSPCC, changes in behaviour, appearance and emotional wellbeing can all be potential indicators, but they don't necessarily mean bullying is taking place.

What's important is recognising when something seems out of character for your child, particularly when several changes happen together or their distress persists.

Alexander suggests parents also consider the direction in which a child seems to be changing. Healthy development, he says, often looks like expansion – new interests, friendships and ways of expressing themselves. A response to bullying can sometimes look more like contraction, with a child becoming quieter, more guarded or gradually giving up parts of themselves.

1. They're suddenly angrier than usual or start saying negative things about themselves

One of the most revealing experiences shared by our MadeForMums community came from a parent who initially recognised the bullying before their son did.

"We noticed it happening, but my son thought it was just a game," the parent explained.

Over time, however, their son's behaviour began to change. He became increasingly angry, started saying that he hated himself and eventually began refusing to go to school.

Rather than immediately understanding why he was behaving differently, the family needed to find another way to explore what he was experiencing.

Play therapy and drawing his feelings helped establish what was actually going on.

Anonymous MadeForMums Club member

Their son is now home educated, and the family describes him as much happier and thriving.

Alexander says he's not surprised that the child initially thought the behaviour was a game. When teasing comes from someone a child considers a friend, recognising it as bullying can feel as though they're risking that relationship. Convincing themselves that everybody is joking can feel easier.

He also says children can turn the hurt inward. Instead of recognising that somebody else's behaviour is unkind, shame can lead a child to believe there is something wrong with them.

Anger, self-hatred, and school refusal can be what shame looks like from the outside.

Alexander Kopelman

The Anti-Bullying Alliance also identifies withdrawal and disruptive behaviour as potential warning signs.

If your normally easy-going child suddenly seems angry all the time, or begins saying things about themselves that concern you, try looking beyond the behaviour itself.

And take statements about self-hatred seriously, regardless of whether bullying is the cause. Alexander strongly recommends seeking professional support when a child is expressing self-hatred or refusing school.

2. They start changing their appearance or trying to hide a particular feature

For MadeForMums Club member Neha, the first indication that something was happening to her daughter was an unexpected change in her grooming habits.

"My daughter was continuously bullied at school for upper lip hair, being asian her hair is dark so it was more noticeable," she explained.

At first, Neha didn't understand why her daughter seemed so unhappy. Then she began noticing some unusual behaviour.

On several occasions, she found her daughter attempting to pull out her upper lip hair with her fingers. Her daughter also started wearing her hair differently, deliberately keeping it down to cover her face.

What initially appeared to be ordinary self-consciousness was actually connected to the bullying she was experiencing at school. Her daughter felt too embarrassed about her appearance to explain what had been happening.

It took lots of open communication with her to actually tell me.

Neha, MadeForMums Club member

The experience has changed how they communicate. Neha says her daughter is now much more open about telling her when something happens at school.

Alexander says appearance and body image can be particularly powerful sources of shame. Pulling at hair, covering the face, changing clothes or avoiding photographs and mirrors can all be ways a child tries to manage how they're seen.

The difference between ordinary self-consciousness and something potentially more concerning, he says, is often the intensity, persistence and secrecy surrounding it.

That doesn't mean every sudden interest in grooming or appearance should raise alarm bells. But if your child becomes unusually preoccupied with concealing something about themselves, particularly alongside changes in their confidence or mood, it's worth gently exploring why.

Alexander recommends avoiding comments about the feature itself, even reassuring ones such as "You look fine" or "I can't even see it", as these can unintentionally reinforce the idea that appearance is the issue. Instead, you might start more broadly by asking, "How are you feeling about things at school?"

3. They're constantly making excuses to avoid school

Most children have mornings when they'd rather stay in bed than head to school. But persistent reluctance, particularly when accompanied by unexplained illnesses, could indicate something more serious.

The Anti-Bullying Alliance advises parents to watch for unexplained stomach aches or headaches, distress on Sunday evenings and anxiety towards the end of school holidays.

You might notice your child frequently complaining of feeling unwell before school, becoming unusually upset when it's time to leave or repeatedly asking whether they can stay at home.

Sometimes the timing provides an important clue. Does their anxiety appear on particular days? Are they especially reluctant to attend certain lessons, activities or after-school clubs?

Alexander similarly suggests looking for patterns in when a child's mood or behaviour changes. Anxiety that repeatedly appears on Sunday evenings, before PE or ahead of a particular activity may offer clues about what is troubling them.

These patterns won't necessarily establish that bullying is taking place. Children can experience school-related anxiety for many reasons, and physical symptoms should never automatically be dismissed as an excuse.

However, understanding when your child feels most uncomfortable could help identify what's happening.

If school refusal becomes persistent, speak to their school and GP about how best to support them.

4. Their friendships suddenly change, or they stop wanting to see certain people

Not all bullying involves direct confrontation. Sometimes, it's the absence of friendship that causes the greatest distress.

Being deliberately excluded from activities, left out of conversations or repeatedly made to feel unwelcome can constitute bullying. The NSPCC identifies exclusion and isolation among the different forms bullying can take.

Perhaps your child suddenly stops mentioning a friend they previously spent every weekend with. They might avoid birthday parties, lose interest in activities they once enjoyed or become upset when they see photographs of their friends spending time together.

Alexander says parents should also notice when children stop mentioning friends by name or appear more guarded when talking about particular relationships.

Friendship groups naturally change as children grow older, so these developments aren't necessarily cause for concern. But if your child appears particularly distressed by changes in their social circle, it's worth finding out what's happening.

Rather than immediately questioning why they aren't seeing a particular friend, try asking broader questions about how things are going socially. For younger children, that might be "Who did you play with today?" or "What was the hardest part of your day?" For older children, Alexander suggests questions such as "Who did you sit with at lunch today?" or, for teenagers, "Who are you spending time with these days?"

You might discover that what initially appeared to be an ordinary disagreement has developed into repeated exclusion, teasing or unkind behaviour.

5. Their relationship with their phone suddenly changes

For many children, bullying doesn't end when the school day finishes. It can continue through messaging apps, social media, online gaming and group conversations.

ONS research found that approximately one in five children aged 10 to 15 in England and Wales experienced online bullying behaviour in the year ending March 2023.

And because online bullying can take place through devices children use every day, the warning signs aren't always obvious.

Alexander says parents should pay less attention to exactly how much time a child spends on their device and more to their relationship with it.

You might notice your child becoming upset, angry or flat after checking their phone, becoming anxious when notifications appear, angling the screen away from other people or suddenly leaving a favourite game or group chat. Some children may start staying up late and checking their phone obsessively, while others may suddenly begin avoiding their device altogether.

If you're concerned, Alexander recommends "transparency over surveillance". Rather than secretly checking your child's messages, tell them what you've noticed and why you're worried, and ask them to show you what's happening.

The aim is for your child to feel that you're the safe place they come to, not the person they need to hide from.

Alexander Kopelman

If there is evidence of cyberbullying, keep screenshots and records of what has happened.

And remember that removing your child's access to technology altogether isn't necessarily the answer. Taking their phone away can feel like a punishment for being targeted and may make them less likely to tell you if something happens again.

6. Their sleep or eating habits change

Bullying can affect children well beyond the situations in which it happens.

Some children may struggle to fall asleep, experience disrupted sleep or seem persistently tired. Others might lose their appetite or begin eating differently.

The NSPCC identifies changes in sleeping and eating habits among the possible indicators that a child is experiencing bullying.

Parents might notice that a child who previously slept well suddenly begins waking during the night, or that mealtimes become unusually difficult.

These changes can have many explanations, including illness, anxiety and other emotional difficulties.

The important thing is to consider them alongside any other changes you've noticed, rather than treating them as evidence of bullying on their own.

If the problems persist or begin affecting your child's health, seek medical advice.

7. Their schoolwork or enthusiasm for activities suddenly deteriorates

A child who is worried about what might happen at school may find it harder to concentrate on lessons or maintain their usual enthusiasm for learning.

According to the NSPCC, a change in academic performance, including falling grades or failing to complete homework, can be another potential warning sign.

But Alexander says it can also be worth paying attention when children quietly abandon something they previously loved.

He describes this as "covering" – toning down or hiding parts of themselves because they're worried those things will make them a target.

One young person Alexander interviewed for his book described a friend who stopped attending a Dungeons & Dragons club after being mocked for it. From the outside it looked as though his interests had simply changed, but Alexander describes it as an example of a child beginning to edit himself.

So if your child suddenly loses interest in a subject, sport, club or hobby they previously loved, it may be worth gently asking what has changed.

There might also be more subtle changes to their routine. The Anti-Bullying Alliance suggests watching for children who begin leaving for school much earlier than necessary or returning home later than expected.

Sometimes these changes are simply part of growing independence, but they can also warrant a conversation about whether your child feels safe and comfortable at school.

8. Their belongings repeatedly go missing or come home damaged

While emotional and social bullying can be difficult to spot, there are sometimes more tangible warning signs.

The NSPCC recommends looking out for unexplained injuries, missing or damaged belongings and children repeatedly asking for money without a clear explanation.

A missing pencil case isn't necessarily concerning. But a pattern of damaged possessions, unexplained bruises or your child becoming unusually protective of their belongings deserves attention.

If your child provides explanations that don't seem to add up, avoid turning the conversation into an interrogation.

Instead, make it clear that you're concerned about their wellbeing and that they can talk to you without worrying about getting into trouble.

Why children don't always tell their parents they're being bullied

One of the most important lessons from the experiences shared by our MadeForMums community is that children don't necessarily understand or communicate bullying in the way adults expect them to.

For one family, their son initially believed the behaviour was simply a game. For Neha's daughter, embarrassment about her appearance made it difficult to explain what was happening.

Both experiences demonstrate why simply asking your child whether they're being bullied might not always lead to an answer.

Alexander says belonging can be an important part of this. If teasing comes from someone a child considers a friend, acknowledging that behaviour as bullying may feel as though they're putting the friendship itself at risk.

Children may also internalise what is happening. Instead of thinking that somebody else's words or behaviour are wrong, they may begin wondering whether there is something wrong with them.

It's also something Alexander believes adults need to think about in their own behaviour. Children hear the comments adults make about bodies, clothes, habits and other people, and those comments can shape what children come to see as normal.

The only way to really teach children the values and behavior we want them to develop is to model them ourselves.

Alexander Kopelman, founder and president of the Children's Arts Guild

His message offers parents something to consider beyond simply recognising the warning signs: the importance of creating an environment in which children feel comfortable being themselves.

That might mean paying closer attention to how we speak about our own appearances, how we discuss other people or how we respond when our children tell us something difficult.

And it means helping children understand that they shouldn't have to change who they are to avoid being treated unkindly.

What should you do if you think your child is being bullied?

Discovering that your child might be experiencing bullying can be upsetting, particularly if it's been happening for some time without your knowledge.

But how you respond when they eventually open up can make an important difference.

1. Start a conversation without putting them under pressure

Rather than asking your child outright whether they're being bullied, you might find it more helpful to ask about their friendships, their school day or anything that's been worrying them recently.

Alexander suggests starting with presence rather than questions. Sitting side by side in the car, while drawing, cooking or going for a walk can make difficult conversations feel less intense, particularly for children who find it uncomfortable to talk while being directly looked at.

If you've noticed a change but don't know what's causing it, he suggests a simple observation: "You don't seem like yourself today."

You could also use a technique Alexander describes as "looping": listen without interrupting, explain back what you've understood in your own words, name the feeling you think you've heard and ask, "Is that right?"

If they don't feel comfortable talking, don't force the conversation. You could suggest writing down their feelings, drawing pictures or speaking to another trusted adult.

These approaches proved particularly helpful for the MadeForMums parent whose son used play therapy and drawing to express what he was experiencing.

2. Listen, reassure and involve your child in deciding what happens next

If your child tells you they're being bullied, you might instinctively want to contact the school immediately or confront the people responsible.

Alexander says this urge to "rush to fix it" is understandable, but it can also make a child feel as though their story has suddenly been taken out of their hands.

The first conversation should be almost entirely listening.

Alexander Kopelman

Let your child finish, reflect back what you've heard and make sure they know that you believe them.

Then, Alexander suggests asking: "What do you need?" and "What would you like to happen next?"

That doesn't mean leaving a child responsible for solving bullying themselves, and adults may sometimes need to act to keep them safe. But, where possible, involving your child in what happens next can help them feel supported rather than powerless.

Avoid suggesting they should retaliate, change their appearance or simply ignore what's happening. Alexander also advises against responses such as "kids will be kids" or asking "what did you do?", which can minimise the experience or make a child feel blamed.

3. Speak to their school and keep a record of incidents

If your child is experiencing bullying involving other pupils, contact their teacher, form tutor or head of year.

The NSPCC recommends arranging a meeting, explaining what has happened and providing any evidence you've collected.

Alexander recommends going to the school with specifics, including dates, incidents and screenshots where relevant, and approaching staff as partners who want the same outcome: for your child to feel safe.

Where possible, tell your child what you're planning to do before you contact the school and explain what you're hoping will happen. Afterwards, let them know what was discussed and what will happen next.

Ask about the school's anti-bullying policy, agree on the steps it will take and establish when you'll review the situation together. It's also worth identifying a trusted member of staff your child can approach if anything else happens.

Keeping a written record of incidents can help establish patterns and provide useful evidence, particularly if the behaviour continues.

Schools should also be made aware of bullying that happens outside school, including online, when it involves their pupils.

4. If it's happening online, preserve evidence and report it

If your child is experiencing cyberbullying, encourage them not to respond or retaliate.

Where possible, keep screenshots and records of upsetting messages, including dates and times. You can then use the relevant platform's reporting and blocking tools.

Speak to your child's school if other pupils are involved.

And remember that removing your child's access to technology altogether isn't necessarily the answer. Maintaining open communication is particularly important if you want them to feel comfortable reporting any further incidents.

The NSPCC provides further guidance on dealing with bullying and cyberbullying.

5. Take their emotional wellbeing seriously

Bullying can affect children's confidence, relationships and mental health. Even when the bullying itself has stopped, some children may need additional emotional support.

If your child is experiencing persistent anxiety, low mood, school refusal or significant changes in their behaviour, consider speaking to their GP.

If they express thoughts of self-harm or suicide, seek professional support promptly. For urgent mental health support in England, contact NHS 111 and select the mental health option.

If your child is in immediate danger or you cannot keep them safe, call 999 or attend A&E.

Children can also contact Childline confidentially on 0800 1111, while parents can seek advice from the NSPCC helpline on 0808 800 5000.

How can you help rebuild a child's confidence after bullying?

Stopping the bullying itself may only be part of the recovery.

A child who has been repeatedly mocked or excluded may have started believing they need to change something about themselves in order to be accepted.

Alexander says it's important to remember where the problem lies: bullying isn't the result of something being wrong with the child, so the answer shouldn't be encouraging them to change themselves to avoid being targeted.

Instead, he recommends helping children maintain the interests they love, giving them opportunities to find belonging elsewhere and encouraging creative activities such as drawing, writing, building or cooking as ways to express themselves.

Parents can also help children reconnect with how they see themselves, rather than how others have made them feel.

Questions such as "What are the qualities you really like in yourself?", "What matters to you?", "What are you good at?" and "What are you proud of?" can help create conversations about identity and confidence that aren't centred around the bullying.

The most important thing is noticing when something isn't right

There isn't a single behaviour that proves a child is being bullied, and parents don't need to interpret every emotional change as a warning sign.

However, the experiences shared by our MadeForMums community show how easily bullying can remain hidden behind behaviour that initially appears unrelated.

An unusually angry child might be struggling to explain what's happening at school. A sudden change in appearance might be an attempt to avoid further humiliation. A reluctance to attend school might be connected to experiences their parents know nothing about. And a child who quietly abandons something they once loved may be trying to make themselves less noticeable.

Alexander's distinction between "expansion" and "contraction" can be a useful way of thinking about those changes. Growing up naturally involves children changing, experimenting and becoming more independent. But when a child seems to be making themselves smaller, quieter or less like themselves, it's worth gently asking why.

Sometimes the most useful starting point may be as simple as: "You don't seem like yourself today."

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By paying attention to these changes, maintaining open conversations and taking children's concerns seriously, parents can help them feel supported and make it easier to seek help when they need it.

Where to get help if your child is experiencing bullying

About our expert Alexander Kopelman is the founder and president of the Children's Arts Guild and author of For Real: Helping Children Remain Their Authentic Selves in a Limiting World. Through the Guild's Authenticity Works initiative, his work explores how parents, educators and other adults can help children develop a strong sense of identity, belonging and self-worth, particularly in environments where they may feel pressure to change or hide parts of themselves. In his work with young people, Alexander focuses on practical ways adults can create environments where children feel able to be themselves, communicate openly and maintain the interests and qualities that matter to them.

Authors

Ruairidh PritchardDigital Growth Lead

Ruairidh is the Digital Lead on MadeForMums. He works with a team of fantastically talented content creators and subject-matter experts on MadeForMums.

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