I’d finally got my freedom back after my daughter left home, then she moved back in
After finding freedom with a new partner, mum Samantha Priestley shares the joy, guilt and compromises of having her adult daughter move back home
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- Samantha Priestley
Published: September 25, 2026 at 1:30 PM
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When my daughter left home to start her university course in another city, the absolute wrench I felt is hard to explain. The day I helped move her into her halls of residence I felt like I was abandoning my child, like my arm was being ripped from my body. How could I keep her safe now she was in a completely different part of the country?
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Three years of her being gone stretched out in front of me and it seemed impossible to imagine. She was leaving home and maybe she would never come back. Now I’m on the other side of it three years doesn’t seem like such a long time, but a lot can change in three years and while my daughter was away my home life underwent a dramatic shift.
Coming to terms with my empty nest
Motherhood can be all consuming, especially when our children are young. As they grow older, we have to strike the right balance between letting them go a little and still being there when they need us. When a child leaves home though, the emptiness they leave behind is hard to deal with.
My daughter was only a couple of hours’ drive away, so I did go and see her sometimes at weekends and she came home for the holidays. But day to day life once your child has left home has to change.
I had a second chance at happiness, and it was exciting.
The first few months were difficult for me, I grieved the loss of this fun, bubbly child always being there every day. I missed talking with her and our daily cuddles, but like everything in life you do get used to it. You have to.
I had divorced a few years before and had met someone else before my daughter left. While she was away my partner moved into our house and we then bought a new house together.
I had a second chance at happiness, and it was exciting. These were big changes, but at this point these changes were just mine, my daughter was living somewhere else and while she got along fine with my partner it wasn’t like she was living with him. And I still didn’t know if she would return after uni. So, I developed a new way of living now she was gone.
We slept in at weekends with no one to disturb us, we no longer had to give her lifts to places in the car or wait up for her coming home late. All this meant we had more time to ourselves. We cooked when we felt like it and ate out when we wanted. It was almost like a return to the freedom I’d had before kids.
And then, before we knew it, three years had passed and she wanted to come home.
Navigating feelings of joy and trepidation
I’ll be honest, the first feeling I had when my daughter said she wanted to move back home after uni was trepidation. Of course there was no question - if she wanted to come home, she was coming home. She always has a home with me. But things were so different to how they had been when she left, I was concerned about how we would all navigate this.
My life had changed so much since she’d been gone.
She got along with my partner, but living with him is a totally different game. My life had changed so much since she’d been gone.
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I had my independence back and I was living a life that no longer revolved around her. And she was a different person too. She was now used to having her own space, making her own rules and doing what she wanted when she wanted without having to consult me.
As we moved her into the spare room in the attic, I felt that old familiar sense of loss again, just like I had when she’d moved out to go to uni, but this time it was the loss of my personal space and freedom. This was quickly followed by feelings of guilt for feeling that sense of loss. As a mother, you can’t win.
Over the coming weeks we settled into our new normal. My daily cuddles were back and I had this bright, funny woman to have new conversations with.
Change is just change
When your child goes away and then comes back, they really have left as a child and returned as an adult. They’ve done a lot of growing up in that time and they’ve matured in lots of ways. But they are still your child.
As a mother, you can’t win.
I think the biggest problem we’ve faced is the new family dynamic. She is my child and always will be, but she is not my partner’s child. There is a push and pull there because I will always put her first, but I also understand how challenging it can be for him sometimes.
She takes an awfully long time in the bathroom and she likes long showers, while my partner likes a leisurely bath. She cooks her own meals because she wants to eat different food to us, which is great, but it does mean we have to stagger cooking times in our small kitchen.
Me and my partner have lost the freedom of being able to do exactly what we want when we want in our own home. I’m sensitive to the fact that she doesn’t want to witness us ‘getting it on’, and we all need to tell each other when we’re going out and when we’ll back, so we all know exactly what is going on in the house.
She doesn’t want to witness us ‘getting it on.'
The bottom line is, I love having my daughter back home with me. I sometimes think it’s selfish of me, but I dread the time when she leaves and I have to go through that loss all over again.
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It isn’t easy, but one day she’ll get her own place, and she won’t be here every day, so I’m making the most of it while I have her.
Authors
Samantha Priestley
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