It's not just Ashley Tisdale: Why so many mums feel excluded from the ‘village’

From baby groups to nursery WhatsApps, the pressure to make mum friends can be overwhelming, and it doesn’t always go to plan as both Hollywood star Ashley and journalist Kirsty Nutkins found out.

Hollywood star Ashley Tisdale

Getty/Instagram Hilary Duff

Published: January 14, 2026 at 5:14 PM

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When Ashley Tisdale recently spoke about struggling with “mean girl” mum culture, it struck a nerve with many parents around the world.

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The actor, best known for her roles in High School Musical and The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, shared how isolating motherhood can feel when cliques, exclusion and unspoken hierarchies creep into what is supposed to be a supportive space.

Her honesty sparked a wave of recognition among mums who quietly feel the same but rarely say it out loud. Because while becoming a mother is often sold as an instant gateway to new friendships and belonging to a sisterhood, the reality can be far more complicated.

No one tells you this before you become a parent, but alongside nappies and night feeds comes this surprising social pressure: to make mum friends. It begins with NCT and Bump and Baby classes, where you’re gently nudged into exchanging numbers with near strangers, all of you exhausted, emotional and trying to form lifelong bonds over feeding positions and pelvic floors.

Alongside nappies and night feeds comes a surprising social pressure: to make mum friends.

Then come the baby groups, the coffee mornings, the buggy walks, which you’re steered towards by health visitors and well-meaning friends, all carrying the unspoken but unmistakable message that this is where your village will be found.

You show up week after week, smiling, swapping milestones, hoping the awkwardness will eventually turn into something real. Sometimes it does. But sometimes, despite everyone’s best efforts, it doesn’t. And that can feel like a personal failure, even when it isn’t.

"I was desperate to join the hallowed mum circle I’d envied for so long."

Three quarter length front view of a medium group of young women standing together on a path with their babies in the city in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, North East England. They are wrapped up in warm clothing on a cold day, some mothers have their babies in a pram and some have their babies in baby harnesses. One woman is taking a group selfie on a smartphone.

For me, it was even more of a blow because of my complicated journey to become a mum.

Long before I ever pushed a pram or discussed sleep schedules, I’d spent four exhausting years in the world of fertility treatment. Before giving birth to my daughter in 2022, I had endured five rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages.

During that time, I became deeply isolated. While friends announced pregnancies and shared scan photos, I learned how to hold both happiness for them and heartbreak for myself, often in the same breath. By the time I finally became a mother, I was desperate to join the hallowed mum circle I’d envied for so long.

That determination to belong meant I threw myself into it. I joined every baby yoga, massage and rhyme time class in my area. I met up with my NCT group religiously every Friday for coffee. I downloaded Peanut – a social networking app designed to connect mums with other local mums. And I even said yes to playdates I wasn’t sure I had the energy for.

A few of these women did go on to become firm friends – friends who, three years on, I’m still meeting up with (often without our kids in tow). But many of the early friendships existed simply because our children were the same age and our schedules happened to align. Once the early kid-focused conversations were over, the lack of deeper connection became obvious.

It was nobody’s fault – these women were lovely, but nappies and nap times aside, we had very little else in common.

Why is it so hard to make friends when you become a mother?

According to chartered psychologist Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley, these feelings are entirely natural and happen to many new mums.

Becoming a mum often throws women together with people they might never have chosen as friends in another phase of life at a time when many women are tired, emotional and finding their feet

Chartered psychologist Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley

“We are wired to look for safety and belonging in groups, especially during big life changes. And while these connections often do turn into real friendships, when they don’t, it’s usually because the ‘selection process’ is based on chance rather than choice.

“In earlier generations, when parenting happened within smaller, more stable communities, shared roles were more likely to come with shared values. Modern motherhood doesn’t work like that. We don’t naturally feel comfortable with everyone, and that’s okay.”

Avoiding unwanted mum friendships doesn’t have to involve cold shoulders or dramatic exits. In fact, the most effective approach is usually the least dramatic one. I’ve learned to stick to in-person chats rather than moving relationships into one-to-one territory too quickly. You don’t have to overshare, overcommit or offer your phone number if it doesn’t feel right.

If you have swapped numbers, let replies take time and decline invites without elaborate explanations. In my experience, gentle drifting can be kinder than a formal ‘break up’ that risks unnecessary discomfort for everyone involved.

Dr Goddard-Crawley agrees. “If a friendship was formed quickly through proximity rather than deep connection, letting contact naturally reduce is often the kindest option for everyone involved.

Stepping back doesn’t have to mean rejecting someone. And if someone does ask for more explanation, it’s okay to keep things brief and kind.

Chartered psychologist Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley

"You might say, ‘I’ve got a lot on at the moment and need a bit more space,’ or ‘This is a really full time for us, so I’m keeping life quite small right now.’ You don’t need to justify, defend or over-explain your decision.”

Of course, this delicate balancing of boundaries doesn’t end with the baby years, and, as I’ve recently discovered, the minefield of mum friendships simply shifts location.

When my daughter started nursery, I found myself navigating an entirely new social landscape: new faces at pick-up and drop-off, new WhatsApp groups, and the quiet pressure to rebuild a sense of community all over again.

Almost without realising it, I had formed a whole new set of “mum friends”, bound by coat pegs, snack schedules and the fact that our children occupied the same room for eight hours a day.

This time, though, I was incredibly lucky because the parents I met at nursery were more my kind of people. Conversations came more easily, the humour felt familiar, the silences more comfortable. Friendship wasn’t something I was forcing; it was something quietly and naturally unfolding.

What to do if you haven't found your village yet

A mother plays with her baby during a parent-and-child session in a colorful preschool, focusing on connection and early development amidst an engaging environment that fosters growth and shared moments.

In the end, what motherhood has taught me is this: you don’t owe anyone your friendship simply because of circumstances. You’re allowed to choose the connections that feel safe, nourishing and real, and to step back from what doesn’t. When you stop forcing yourself into spaces where you don’t quite fit, you make room for the friendships that do.

And if you haven’t yet met ‘your people’, don’t stress, says Dr Goddard-Crawley.

“Motherhood doesn’t come with a guaranteed social circle, and it doesn’t mean you should feel an instant connection with everyone you meet through it.

“Not clicking with other mums can sometimes bring up familiar feelings of exclusion or self-doubt, even when the situation itself is very different. If it feels like you haven’t found your people yet, that doesn’t mean you won’t.

It may simply mean you’re noticing old patterns with new awareness and choosing something different. That can feel uncomfortable, but it’s often how we create space for more meaningful relationships.”

In that context, Ashley Tisdale’s comments about “mean girl” mum culture feel less like celebrity oversharing and more like a quiet truth many parents recognise. Motherhood can push us into social spaces we didn’t choose, at a time when we’re already vulnerable and craving connection. Not every group will feel safe. Not every friendship will stick. And that does not mean we are failing at motherhood, or at life.

If anything, choosing to step back from what doesn’t feel right, and waiting for the connections that do, is an act of self-protection and self-respect.

And as more women, famous or not, start saying this out loud, perhaps we can finally let go of the idea that motherhood should automatically come with a ready-made circle, and allow ourselves the freedom to build something slower, smaller and more real.

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Kirsty Nutkins

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