How to make divorce easier for your kids: Real advice from experts and parents who've been through it

From communicating well to keeping routines stable, it is possible to minimise the negative impact of separation on children. Stepmum to three, Ellie Fennell speaks to experts and draws on her own family's experience to show how divorce doesn’t have to be harmful for kids.

little girl with paper family in hands. concept of divorce, custody and child abuse

Published: January 12, 2026 at 12:55 PM

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In the UK, 42% of marriages end in divorce with an estimated 4 million children living in separated families.* After the intensely family-focused Christmas period, January sees a stark rise in couples considering separation with some family law firms reporting a 25% increase in enquiries.

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For any parent facing the end of a marriage, a key concern is the impact on their children. This can feel a reason not to split but, as Family Therapist and Systemic Psychotherapist Diana Goldin explains, children suffer more living with ongoing hostility, tension, or emotional withdrawal than from a well-managed, well-supported separation.

“Staying ‘for the children’ can be protective only if the home is warm, low-conflict, and emotionally safe. If not, children often fare better when parents separate thoughtfully and reduce the child’s exposure to conflict.”

So, how can divorcing parents best protect children during this challenging time?

Minimise conflict

Small siblings covering their ears while refusing to listen their parents arguing in dining room.

Experts agree that it’s the conflict during divorce that is most damaging to children, not the divorce itself. High tension, arguments, or silent stand-offs can create ongoing stress and disrupt routines, leaving children feeling responsible for keeping the peace.

Diana Goldin supports clients in thinking through how to protect children from conflict even in an acrimonious split.

“Keeping conflict away from the child’s ears and eyes, as much as is humanly possible is paramount. Using structured communication can help to reduce direct hostility for example by arranging logistics over email, working with apps to plan out finances or engaging professional help like a therapist to stay focused on the needs of the children rather than ongoing acrimony.”

Keep things co-operative and consistent

Becoming a stepmum to 3 young boys in my early 30s, in the aftermath of my (now) husband’s drawn-out divorce, I saw first-hand that effective co-parenting doesn’t require being best friends. Despite complex financial disputes and some highly charged interactions, Andy and his ex-wife managed to work together where it mattered most for their sons.

Children thrive on predictability, so maintaining routines between homes was critical as Andy and his ex planned shared custody. They diligently kept to their scheduled commitments and both parents were actively involved in parenting decisions and discussions. Even seemingly small efforts like a consistent handover plan, speaking respectfully about each other in front of the boys and a shared approach to school events - sent a strong message that the kids didn’t have to choose sides.

As Divorce Coach Claire Macklin explains:

“Parents’ behaviour during divorce has a huge impact on children. When parents separate respectfully and co-parent well, children still feel safe, clear that their parents love them, and can learn all kinds of life lessons in communication, compromise, flexibility and give-and-take.”

Honest, open, age-appropriate communication

Hands, generations and unity for support, care and love together with relationship, comfort and touch. People, family and connection for bonding, solidarity and trust with embrace or collaboration

Whilst children don’t need every detail of the divorce, they do need the truth, delivered gently. Diana Goldin advises keeping explanations simple and avoiding blame or over-sharing adult issues

“The goal is to create an environment where the child understands ‘This isn’t my fault. I am loved. The adults are handling the grown-up decisions.’ Where possible, speak with one voice, even if you’ve had disagreements privately and make space for the child’s feelings.”

It’s also important to consider age-appropriate language and topics. Younger children may need concrete explanations about where they’ll sleep and who will pick them up from school. For my stepsons, which parent would be at the rugby fixtures was always a key concern. Whereas older children often want space to express anger, sadness or relief – sometimes all in the same conversation.

Family Mediator Austin Chessell advises that mediation can be an effective way for children to feel heard and able to express their wishes. Younger children are offered separate sessions. Once a little older, usually around 10, child inclusive mediation enables participation in discussions together with parents.

Think for the long term

Divorce involves many different relationships being rewritten. Claire Macklin advises her clients to focus on the long game when making decisions.

“I ask clients how they want their relationship with their ex as their fellow parent to look and feel in 1 year, 5 years and in 10 years’ time, and to keep that goal in the forefront of their minds. Whenever emotions rise, consider whether your actions will take you nearer or further away from that long term goal. What you do now sets the tone for years to come.”

Even established arrangements need rethinking as children mature, interests change, and parents settle into new routines. The introduction of new partners can also be a difficult time for all involved – both kids and adults.

Patience was paramount in my own experience. Having got together in May 2010, Andy and I chose to wait until the next Spring before I met the boys so they could settle into their ‘new normal’ before asking them to consider what our partnership meant for them and the relationship with their Dad.

Even once we decided to marry, we thought carefully about what would be easiest for the boys and chose a small overseas ceremony for just the two of us followed by a low-key party with close friends and family.

14 years on, that slow-paced introduction has paid dividends and I cherish my close relationships with all three wonderful, now-grown-up stepsons.

Help process emotions

A young child is engaged in drawing with colored pencils spread across a wooden table. Colorful sketches of houses and figures are visible on the paper.

Children often show their feelings in actions before they can verbalise them so different approaches like role play, drawing or walking and talking can help. By calmly labelling our own emotions, we can also aid children in understanding theirs and that it’s possible to handle big feelings and navigate change. Once a child does feel able to talk, it’s important to listen and acknowledge how they feel but not try to fix it.

Diana Goldin advises parents to focus on the three Ps during this emotional time.

Permission – Let them know it’s OK to feel sad, angry, confused or relieved.

Predictability – Routines and relationships stay as stable as possible.

Proximity – Adults remain emotionally available.

Divorce changes families; it doesn’t have to damage childhood

In times of upheaval, consistent anchors in a child’s world can become even more important. Stability often comes from the small stuff: familiar bedtime stories, walking pets in a favourite wood, inside jokes, or for our boys, regular trips to Nandos.

Children need to know their parents’ love hasn’t changed – even if the family structure has. With open communication and reduced conflict, children can emerge from separation feeling secure and supported.

No divorcing parent will ever have a flawless plan thought through, but it’s the ongoing demonstrations of love and commitment which shape childrens’ sense of safety – far more than their parent’s marital status.

*Source: Separated Families Statistics, GOV.UK, 2024

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Ellie Fennell

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