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Do grandparents shape kids more than we think? How your approach affects your grandchildren

Do grandparents shape kids more than we think? How your approach affects your grandchildren

From spoiling to stepping back, the way a grandparent interacts with their grandchildren might have more of an effect on their future than you'd think. Here are six common grandparenting styles, what they say about you and how they shape a child's life.

Happy little girl embracing her grandparents on sofa in the living room. Copy space.

Hollie Bond

Published: December 26, 2025 at 9:09 AM

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Modern parents spend a huge amount of time thinking about how their choices might shape their children. Will being too strict harm their mental health? Should children lead the way in how they’re parented? Could stress or overprotectiveness make them more anxious?

It’s why so many books, podcasts and articles are devoted to parenting approaches like gentle parenting, mindful parenting and free-range parenting — all promising to raise happier, more resilient kids.

But parents aren’t the only adults shaping children’s lives. Grandparents are more involved than ever, with recent figures suggesting that more than half of UK grandparents now provide some form of free childcare for their grandchildren.

And grandparents come in all shapes and sizes. There are the traditional, “best behaviour required” types you only see at family gatherings and the hands-on, loving ones who do the school run, host sleepovers and happily crawl around soft play.

So does a child simply luck out if they have the fun, involved kind? Or does the way a grandparent shows up actually influence a child’s wellbeing, outlook and long-term outcomes?

As an adult with experience of both extremes – emotionally unavailable, uninterested and cold grandparents on one side and the most wonderful loving, caring and supportive grandmother on the other, I often wonder if my people-pleasing tendencies stem from a desire to try and make my distant grandparents like me. And would I still be the same person if my Grandma Jean hadn't been such an important and happy figure in my childhood?

To find out the answer, we looked at the most common grandparenting styles — and what the research says about how they really affect grandchildren.

The distant grandparent

We're not talking about grandparents who live far away here, as plenty of grandparents on the other side of the world manage to be present in their grandkids' lives. The distant grandparent is one who has infrequent contact with their grandchild, doesn't get involved in their lives outside of family events and doesn't have a very close relationship with their grandchild.

Distant grandparents tend to be a generational issue, developing because the parent doesn't having a particularly close relationship with their own mother or father in the first place. With research from 2008 unsurprisingly showing that the closer the bond between. a parent and their own parents, the closer the relationship will then be between a grandparent and a grandchild.

So does having a distant grandparent affect a child in any way? A 2024 study by the University of Oxford's Department of Social Policy and Social Work showed that children who have a close relationship with their grandparents were less likely to snuggle with their behaviour and emotional problems, showing that having grandparents to confide in and turn to is important for a child's development.

We know that uninvolved parents can lead to lower self-esteem, ability to form relationships and academic success so it follows that noncommittal grandparenting can have a similar, if less pronounced, affect. After all, it's hard for a child to understand what they might have done to make their grandparents so uninterested.

Parents can counter this by ensuring they reach out and give grandparents every opportunity to be involved, and if they still don't show interest ensure you tell your children that their grandparents do love them but some people find it hard to show.

The formal grandparent

formal grandparent with child sat on his lap

Much more typical in years gone by, the formal grandparent is the one you see sitting in their wingback armchair like royalty and waiting for their grandchildren to come to them. They like good manners, kids dressed in lovely outfits, and love to har about their grandchildren but are very unlikely to be found rolling around a soft play!

Formal grandparents may offer financial support to grandchildren and occasionally may have them to stay but they respect the boundaries and acknowledge that parents are the primary caregivers.

Formal, wise grandparents can be great role models for children and teach them about manners, respect, values and give them a sense of their history. They can also provide a sense of stability and may feel safe and supportive when a wise opinion is needed. A formal grandparent who is able to give a glimpse into a child's history is a real bonus as studies have shown that understanding the detailed facts of our family history makes us more emotionally healthy.

The fun-seeker grandparent

Grandfather and granddaughter dressing up in homemade costumes at home

As the name suggests a fun-seeker grandparent prioritises play and has a fun and informal relationship with their grandchild. They're the sort you'll find letting their grandchildren ride on their back and jump on their sofas and children are always happy and excited to see them.

Fun-seeking grandparents need to be careful not to just be their grandchild's friend as the child need a level of formality and rules in order to feel safe, supported and to understand boundaries.

However there's no doubt that a fun grandparent is extremely beneficial for a grandchild. Recent research has shown that children who have a healthy relationship and regular interactions with their grandparents are 30% less likely to experience depression. The research goes on to show that kids with fun and involved grandparents also have higher levels of empathy and lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol, showing that grandparents are key to helping shape emotionally resilient kids.

The caregiver grandparent

There are two types of caregivers grandparent – those who assume full parental responsibility of their grandchild due to a sad or difficult situation like the death of the parent or inability to look after the child. The second type, and now a very common type of grandparent, is the grandparent who provides regular caregiving throughout the week. These are the grandparents who pick kids up from school when parents are working and provide regular free childcare to help the parents with high nursery costs.

There are definite benefits for these grandparents – studies have shown that these grandparents are likely to live longer – probably because they have responsibilities, are more active and are surrounded by family so unlikely to get lonely! But what about the grandchildren or caregiver grandparents?

It appears that the age the care is given might be crucial. The United Kingdom Millennium Cohort Study found that children cared for by their grandparents while their mothers went back to work in the first 9 months showered more behavioural problems at 3 years old than children who were cared for by nannies or in nurseries. However, children with caregiver grandparents also benefit from the strong bonds, stability and love they receive.

Caregiver grandparents appear to provide both positives and negatives for a child's outcome. Negatives include less peer interaction, more adult-focussed conversation and overindulgence on areas such as sugar and screen time. While the positives are obvious – a very close and loving relationship with their grandparent.

The indulgent grandparent

grandmother giving cupcakes to grandson

Many parents, myself included, watch on in amazement as their own parents (now grandparents) indulge their grandchildren in a way they never did their own kids. Sweets, chocolates, toys, screen time, pocket money... all get given in abundance, often against the parents' wishes.

While the desire to spoil their grandchildren comes from a place of love and often because they now have the means to buy all these treats, it can have negative consequences for the kids.

Indulgent grandparents are bad for a child's health according to a study by The University of Glasgow, published the in PLOS One journal. The study showed that these types of grandparents had a negative effect on a child's weight and overall health – allowing them to have a bad diet and to do less exercise than they should.

Of course, indulgent grandparents can make things tricky for the parents too who then have to try and deal with kids full of sugar, or kids who become spoiled and expect toys and treats every time they leave the house!

The companionate grandparent

This is the gold standard of grandparenting and the type you may want to aspire to.

A companionate grandparent is the loving, fun one (similar to a fun-seeker but with slightly more authority) who’s emotionally close to their grandchildren but doesn’t try to step into a parent role. They’re there for quality time rather than day-to-day discipline — more trusted confidant than rule-enforcer.

Think unconditional love, silly games and a safe, non-judgemental space where kids can relax and just be themselves. It’s a balanced approach that sits somewhere between the very hands-on, parent-like grandparent and the more distant, hands-off formal type — and research suggests it can be hugely positive for children.

Studies show that this style of grandparenting has many benefits for children including enhanced emotional wellbeing, a stronger sense of identity, mentorship and guidance oppotunities, the development of social skills and providing an additional support system in complex family situations.

So while there’s no such thing as a “perfect” grandparent, the evidence is clear: the way grandparents interact with their grandkids really does matter. From boosting emotional wellbeing and resilience to shaping a child’s sense of identity and security, grandparents can play a powerful supporting role in children’s lives.

The most positive outcomes tend to come from relationships that are warm, consistent and emotionally available — where love comes with boundaries, but without pressure. And just like parenting, grandparenting isn’t about getting it right all the time — it’s about being present, building connection and letting children know they are valued, exactly as they are.

Authors

journalist and two young kids sat on a bench in France for a review of Eurocamp

Hollie BondSenior Digital Journalist

Hollie is Senior Digital Journalist at MadeForMums. She writes articles about pregnancy, parenting, child health and getting pregnant. She has written for a number of national lifestyle magazines and websites over the past 12 years including Family History Monthly, You and Your Wedding and Muddy Stilettos. She has two children aged 5 and 8 and hasn't slept since 2017!