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Getting divorced? Here’s how experts say to tell your child — and 5 things not to do

Getting divorced? Here’s how experts say to tell your child — and 5 things not to do

Experts share how to explain divorce to children gently, honestly and in a way that helps them feel safe and loved.

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Published: January 13, 2026 at 1:51 PM

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For many parents, deciding to separate is agonising enough, but one question often feels even harder: how do we tell the kids?

With 42% of marriages in the UK ending in divorce and around 4 million children living in separated families, this is a conversation many parents will face. January, after the intensity of Christmas, is a particularly common time for families to reach this crossroads.

The good news is that experts agree it is not divorce itself that causes the most harm to children, but how it is handled. Thoughtful, calm communication can make a huge difference to how safe and secure your child feels, both now and in the years ahead.

Choose honesty, but keep it age-appropriate

Children do not need the full, messy details of why a relationship has broken down. What they do need is the truth, delivered gently and without blame.

Family Therapist and Systemic Psychotherapist Diana Goldin advises parents to keep explanations simple and avoid over-sharing adult issues.

The goal is to create an environment where the child understands ‘This isn’t my fault. I am loved. The adults are handling the grown-up decisions.’ Where possible, speak with one voice, even if you’ve had disagreements privately and make space for the child’s feelings.

Psychotherapist Diana Goldin

For younger children, reassurance is often very practical. Where will I sleep? Who will pick me up from school? Will I still see both parents? Older children may want more emotional honesty and space to express anger, sadness or even relief, sometimes all in the same conversation.

Parents lecturing their elementary age daughter at home

Hearing the news from both parents can help children feel supported and avoid mixed messages. Getty

Have the conversation together if you can

Where it is safe and possible, experts recommend telling your child together. Hearing the same message from both parents reduces confusion and reassures children they do not have to choose sides.

Even if emotions are high behind the scenes, presenting a calm, united front helps children feel contained and protected. If a joint conversation is not possible, keeping the message consistent across both households still matters.

Reassure them that conflict is not their responsibility

One of the biggest fears children carry during divorce is that they are somehow to blame, or that it is their job to keep the peace.

Experts are clear that ongoing conflict is far more damaging than separation itself. Diana Goldin explains that children suffer more from “ongoing hostility, tension, or emotional withdrawal than from a well-managed, well-supported separation”.

Keeping conflict away from the child’s ears and eyes, as much as is humanly possible is paramount.

Psychotherapist Diana Goldin

Using structured communication, such as arranging logistics over email, working with co-parenting apps or engaging professional support like therapy or mediation, can help keep adult conflict away from children.

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Keeping adult conflict out of sight helps protect children’s emotional wellbeing. Getty

Be clear about what will stay the same

When everything feels uncertain, predictability is comforting. Children cope better when they know what parts of their life will remain stable.

This might include school routines, clubs, bedtime rituals or regular family traditions. Even small consistencies can act as anchors during change.

Divorce Coach Claire Macklin explains why parental behaviour matters so much:

When parents separate respectfully and co-parent well, children still feel safe, clear that their parents love them, and can learn all kinds of life lessons in communication, compromise, flexibility and give-and-take.

Divorce Coach Claire Macklin

Maintaining routines between homes, sticking to agreed handovers and speaking respectfully about each other in front of children all reinforce that they do not have to choose sides.

A calm, reassuring moment can help children feel safe when big family changes are happening. Getty

Invite feelings, but do not rush to fix them

Your child’s first reaction may not be their final one. Some children cry immediately, others go quiet, and some seem unaffected at first, only to show their feelings later through behaviour.

Children often express emotions through play, drawing or movement before they can put them into words. Calmly labelling your own emotions can also help children understand theirs and see that big feelings can be handled.

Diana Goldin encourages parents to focus on what she calls the three Ps during this time:

Permission – letting children know it is OK to feel sad, angry, confused or relieved.
Predictability – keeping routines and relationships as stable as possible.
Proximity – remaining emotionally available and present.

5 things NOT to do when telling your child you’re getting a divorce

Do not blame the other parent. Even subtle criticism can make children feel torn, guilty or anxious.
Do not overshare adult details. Finances, infidelity or legal issues are too much for children to process.
Do not ask them to take sides. Children should never feel responsible for adult relationships.
Do not promise things you cannot guarantee. Reassure them, but avoid offering false certainty.
Do not shut down their feelings. Avoid phrases like “you’ll be fine” or “don’t be upset”.

Think about the long game

The conversation you have now sets the tone for future ones. Divorce is not a single moment, but an ongoing process as children grow and family life evolves.

Claire Macklin encourages parents to keep perspective when emotions rise:

What you do now sets the tone for years to come.

Divorce Coach Claire Macklin

Arrangements will need revisiting as children mature, interests change and new partners enter the picture. Decisions made with patience and long-term thinking are often the most protective.

Remember, love is the constant

Divorce changes the shape of a family, but it does not have to damage childhood.

Stability often comes from the small stuff: familiar bedtime stories, shared jokes, regular walks or simple rituals. Children need to know their parents’ love has not changed, even if the family structure has.

With open communication and reduced conflict, children can come through separation feeling secure, supported and deeply loved.

*Source: Separated Families Statistics, GOV.UK, 2024