Christmas with the in-laws? These 7 expert tips could save your sanity and keep the peace this holiday

Christmas with the in-laws can test even the calmest and happiest of families. A parenting expert shares practical ways to set boundaries and avoid blow-ups.

Shot of a family dinner with a young couple in the foreground

Published: December 22, 2025 at 5:51 PM

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Love them, tolerate them or secretly dislike them, Christmas with your in-laws can be a festive minefield. From passive-aggressive present choices to “helpful” parenting advice you definitely didn’t ask for, the holiday season has a knack of bringing family tensions to the surface.

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Even if you lucked out with the nicest in-laws, this relationship is a tricky one to navigate – there’s a reason there are so many jokes on the subject! When you get married, boundaries blur, loyalties shift and expectations change as you create a new family unit and everyone has to adjust.

Your in-laws are not your parents so you can’t revert to your childhood state and get away with it. And you can’t vent about them with your partner as you would with other tricky relationships because they’re his or her parents.

Even if you love them and enjoy their company, there can be moments, comments, or subtle actions that rub you (or them) up the wrong way. After all, you’ve replaced them as the most important person in their son/ daughter’s life and everyone is learning their new roles.

So, to help you get through the festive period with your sanity intact, we spoke to parenting specialist Helen Davies, founder of Essential Parenting, on how to set boundaries, keep the peace and pick your battles. Plus, you’ll find some brutally honest, laugh-out-loud stories from real parents about the wildest things their in-laws have said or done at Christmas.

Tip 1: Let go of self-imposed pressure

Catering for guests at Christmas is stressful, there’s no denying it. However, the amount of stress you feel really does come down to the pressure you’re putting on yourself. Many women feel extra pressure when cooking for their in-laws and a need to prove that they can take on the mantle of chief provider and cook. But it doesn’t need to be that way.

So what if the pigs in blankets are slightly charred or if you forgot the braised red cabbage? Unless your in-laws are really tricky customers, they won’t want you to feel stress on their part and will just be delighted someone else is cooking after all the years they probably hosted in the past.

It’s not just culinary perfection you might be loading on your shoulders, but the pressure to make sure everyone is happy and having the best time ever. And all this pressure has to come out somewhere and often results in an over the top reaction to a minor comment or action from an in-law.

“At Christmas, many parents end up holding everyone else’s emotions as well as their own, which can feel exhausting,” says Helen Davies, a Private Health Visitor, Children’s Nurse and founder of Essential Parenting. “Protecting your wellbeing starts with letting go of the pressure to keep everyone happy and giving yourself permission to notice what you need to stay steady too.”

Tip 2: Learn to recognise your stress signs

Self-awareness is extremely important when it comes to avoiding unnecessary conflict and knowing when you’re about to blow and taking yourself off somewhere quiet is an excellent skill to have over the festive period.

If you know from experience that your in laws have a way of pressing your stress buttons, then taking some time before Christmas to recognise your stress signals could be invaluable.

“Early signs of stress often show up as irritability, tearfulness, feeling rushed or becoming overwhelmed by small things,” says Helen. “In the moment, even something simple like stepping into another room, slowing your breathing or getting some fresh air can help reset your nervous system.”

Tip 3: Interpret comments and actions in a charitable light

It’s not always easy when your mother-in-law starts a sentence with “We never did that in my day…” or “Have you tried doing it like this…” or “My kids never did things like that...” but reframing things in a positive light can help avoid conflict.

Your in-laws don’t usually mean to offend – they’re just trying to offer support and advice from their own experience, however outdated or annoying it sounds at the time. If you simply reframe it as them trying to offer you help, support and their attempt to be involved in your/ your kids’ lives then it won’t upset you so much.

“Most advice comes from habit rather than criticism, even when it lands badly,” says Helen. “A calm response that thanks them for their concern while still holding your own choice helps keep things respectful without giving away your authority as a parent.”

Tip 4: Prepare some stock responses

Sometimes when our adrenaline flares up following a comment or action that offends it’s hard to remember to look at things positively or to take a deep breathe and reset the nervous system and, in this situation, some ready-rehearsed responses can be invaluable.

“Having a few gentle phrases prepared can really help, says Helen, “such as ‘Thanks – we’ve found what works best for our family’ or ‘We’re happy with our decision, thank you.’ You don’t need to explain or defend yourself in the moment.”

Tip 5: Set expectations in advance

Happy senior woman and her family toasting with champagne during Christmas celebration.

A lot of in-law tension can stem from that fact that no-one knows the boundaries and rules that they’re supposed to follow. Everyone in the family is getting used to their roles – transitioning from kids to parents and from parents to in-laws/ grandparents and it can be a confusing time.

To help everyone feel in control, it can be a good idea to set expectations for the festive period before any visits get underway. Any strong family rules you have around the amount of presents, screen time, mealtime manners and general discipline should be discussed beforehand rather than in the moment in front of the kids.

“It really helps to set expectations before the visit rather than in the heat of the moment,” says Helen. “Giving a gentle heads-up before the visit about what works best for your child avoids awkwardness later. When expectations are clear in advance, it removes the chance of things feeling like a personal criticism.”

Tip 6: Get on the same page as your partner

Remember your in-laws are your partner’s parents and they raised and cherished them as you are doing your kids now. So, of course it’s hard for them to let go of that. Your partner may also struggle to understand any gripes you have with his/her parents and it’s important not to criticize your in-laws constantly in front of them.

Instead, before any visits calmly talk to your partner about any parenting rules you want to be united on as well as any areas you would really appreciate support on from your partner should they arise.

“Talking things through before the visit is key, especially about what feels tricky or sensitive,” says Helen. “When couples agree a shared approach in advance, it reduces tension and helps both parents feel supported rather than pulled in different directions. It helps to explain not just what boundary you need, but why it matters emotionally, not just practically.

“When partners understand the emotional impact of feeling unsupported, they are far more likely to prioritise the relationship rather than default to keeping the peace with their own parents.”

Tip 7: Focus on your children first

Christmas is all about kids and creating the magic for them to remember for years to come, so always aim to put their needs first rather than focussing on negative comments or actions from others.

Comsider how excited your kids will be to have all their loved ones together at Christmas. Remember they see their grandparents through innocent and unconditionally loving eyes. It’s important not to let your thoughts and opinions filter through and ruin this for them.

Sad, desperate little girl during parents quarrel. Clog the ears.. Family quarrel on the eve of Christmas

“Children are incredibly sensitive to emotional undercurrents, even when no one says anything out loud. You can protect the magic by keeping your relationship with them steady, warm and predictable, offering reassurance, play and closeness even if the wider atmosphere feels tense,” says Helen. “Feeling emotionally safe with you is what allows Christmas to still feel special for them.”

If arguments do occur though or the tension is obvious don’t just try and pretend everything is ok to your kids.

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“Children are very perceptive and often sense tension even when nothing is said,” says Helen. “A simple, age-appropriate explanation that reassures them the adults are sorting things out and that they are not to blame is usually enough.”

They said what…?! Real parents reveal their wildest in-law Christmas comment:

“When my kids were fighting over something my usually lovely mother-in-law said: ‘Gosh they have a real jealous streak don’t they? That definitely comes from your side of the family.’ My father-in-law nearly choked on his turkey and swiftly changed the subject!”

“One Christmas my own mother said I have no excuse to be fat (I had just given birth 2 months before). And then my mother-in-law called me old because I am 5 years older than her son (I was 30 at the time!).”

“We told my mother in law that Father Christmas was buying our girls a big wooden dolls house. She then got them one instead and told us she’d done so! We explained we were at a total loss as to what to buy the girls now. She didn’t understand why we were annoyed at all.”

“I was 9 months pregnant, due on the 31st December… so obviously I was volunteered by my mother-in-law to host both families for Christmas Day! Fortunately, we needed to sell our current kitchen table and replace it before the baby arrived, so we just sold it early so that we couldn’t possibly host and held off on buying a new one till the new year!”

“The first Christmas my mother-in-law came to my family's house for Christmas dinner, she got cramp in her thigh mid-way through our dinner. She jumped up and stood in the middle of the room and demanded my husband rub her leg to get rid of it!”

“My mother-in-law asked me what clothes size I was at 6 months postpartum then went on to tell the entire table that I was much smaller pre-birth!”

“My mother-in-law and sister-in-law openly gasped when I said I was a size 6 after my partner thought some size 12 PJs would fit me after having our second!”

“My mother-in-law sent my husband a load of stuffing to bring to his first Christmas in my house because she didn’t think he’d be properly catered for in the stuffing department!”

About our expert

Helen Davies is a Private Health Visitor, Children's Nurse and founder of Essential Parenting, with over 28 years' experience supporting families. She specialises in sleep, behaviour, emotional wellbeing and family relationships, using a gentle, evidence based approach to help parents feel confident and supported.

Authors

journalist and two young kids sat on a bench in France for a review of Eurocamp

Hollie BondSenior Digital Journalist

Hollie is Senior Digital Journalist at MadeForMums. She writes articles about pregnancy, parenting, child health and getting pregnant. She has written for a number of national lifestyle magazines and websites over the past 12 years including Family History Monthly, You and Your Wedding and Muddy Stilettos. She has two children aged 5 and 8 and hasn't slept since 2017!

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